Yeah, I am emotional right now and have been for several days. Instead of handing my cares to Him, to "be still and KNOW" that He is in charge, I choose to worry and fret.
Whenever I look at the video on this site I cry: www.ocsarts.net/ And whenever I walk by the Junior High School that my son is scheduled to attend next fall, I shudder. I don't even want to look at it and yet my older son attends there and loves it. The school is academically insane with respect to the brutal amounts of homework and treating the kids as if they were near finishing college. That's fine if you are academically gifted and an incredible super-star with organization and time management. But when you are a dreamer, unorganized, drawing cartoons all over your work and notebooks instead of paying attention and studying....well that makes things tough. If it were a school of more average students, a more mixed population, more accommodating teachers, more fine arts.............then I would be happy. But it is a school which then feeds into one of the "best" high schools in the state, complete with those stupidly high test scores and an overwhelmingly huge percentage of serious college-bound kids, Harvard and Dartmouth included. Grrrr.......
I recently had a nightmare about this son in which he was half eaten by a shark because he could not swim fast enough to escape. And I watched the entire thing from a dock in horror. Lord! What does this mean? Can I not help him enough? Is he not fit enough to survive? In addition to nearly scaring me to death, I was quite TICKED when I was awakened in the middle of the night by this monster. How dare my unconscious fears intrude in such a horrific manner!
My son is aware of how deeply I love him. He knows I am worried about next year. He sees how exhausted I get with all I need to do to hold everything together at work and home and still help keep him afloat academically.
I have informed my son that I will be looking at two private Christian schools soon to see if I like them for him for next year. He is not thrilled because he is very social and has many, many friends. And there is the art school lurking in the back of my mind. I have the application and a letter of recommendation from one of his art teachers. But the truth is that I am not sure he has quite what it takes......at least, not yet. That's why I cry when I look at the OCSHA info. Maybe it is a bit of a loss...that he is not quite talented enough academically and he is not quite talented enough artistically. Always in the average or on the stupid fringes as far as the world is aware. But those close to him know of his unique gifts and purposes....of how wonderful, kind, and loving he is. How clever and creative. He makes me feel like I am the best parent in the world even when I feel I am failing miserably.
So we will march forward. In the meantime, I will take prayers because I need them. I need Him.